JULY 2006
TALL TALES
Proof of Global Warming atlast:
Bush Demands That Iran Halt Production of Long Letters
May 13, 2006
By Andy Borowitz (and others)
Days after receiving an 18-page letter from Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President George W. Bush called the lengthy missive "an act of war" and demanded that Iran halt its production of long letters at once.
At the White House, aides said that writing a letter of such length to President Bush, who is known for his extreme distaste for reading, was the most provocative act Mr. Ahmadinejad could have possibly committed. They said they were waiting for Israel to tell them how to respond.
"Everyone knows that the last book the president read was 'My Pet Goat,'" one aide said. "Expecting him to read an 18-page letter is really asking for it, and that Iranian dude must have known that."
According to those close to Mr. Bush, the president was infuriated upon receipt of the 18-page letter and asked aides if it was some kind of joke.
The president then demanded that the letter be boiled down to a one- or two-page format, or possibly adapted to a DVD version, just as he had ordered for news reports on Hurricane Katrina.
In Tehran, President Ahmadinejad said he was "taken aback" by Mr. Bush's refusal to read an 18-page letter, but said that all his future communications to the U.S. president would be in short, easy-to-read instant-messaging format.
In his first IM to President Bush, released to the press today, President Ahmadinejad writes, "Am building nukes. R U angry? LOL."
Elsewhere, Air Force Gen. Michael V. Hayden vowed today that as director of the CIA he would push the agency to find more and better sources of false intelligence and would be flying to Tel Aviv at once.
Headlines For The Year 2029
By Jim Sinclair
Dear Friends,
It's a bull market and nothing is going to change that
for anything gold and precious metals. It is not going to
be stopped by nay-sayers, top-callers or seers with
under-active thyroid syndrome. What this means is traders
buy the breaks that look like fishing lines with ten
pound weights on the end. You always sell the Rhino horns
without the need to be perfect. Investors just need to
have a rescue remedy nearby in case they check the market
on the wrong day.
This morning some interesting predictions were sent
to me that I thought you might enjoy.
Headlines from the year 2029:
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in
the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known
as
California. Minorities still trying to have English
recognized
as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
crops and
livestock
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
AmericanTerritory of
the Middle East!(formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan,
Syria and
Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take
at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by
Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all
smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the
key to weight
loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates
their civil
rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by
January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal
political
contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines